Don't Lose (You're Cool).

(editors note: I wrote this a little while back, before Camp Obama, when someone asked me how to keep it together if someone said it wouldn't be that bad if John McCain won the election. All this "I Hate Sarah Palin" and "Why Is Everyone So Stupid?" talk going around has me feeling real bad, so I thought I would re-visit my own piece of advice and try to follow it, this time.)


There’s been a lot of talk about “ending partisan rancor” and “reaching across the aisle,” but I have to admit, I don’t know how that can possibly happen, since I, and everyone I know, can barely have a civil conversation with an undecided voter without jumping down their throat. We’re exhausted, wrung out, keyed up, edgy and defensive. All the time. All we want to do is help, but we might actually care too much to be effective volunteers.

So I worry. I worry that even if the politicians do their best to make it a race about policy and issues, we’ll all be at each other’s throats for the next two months anyway. I worry that after November 4th, bitterness and disappointment on the losing side (whoever they are) will prevent us from working together, and we’ll be just as stuck and divided as we were before. I worry that while we’ve seen how change comes from the bottom up and not the top down, we’re not brave, strong or sure enough to take it any further, and first do ourselves what we want our candidates to do – to put aside our differences and concentrate on what unites us, so we can move forward.

Do we have the courage to walk our talk, and reach across the aisle in our own lives? We want to change the government, America, the world – but that means we have to change ourselves, too.

Do we really mean it?

I think that we do. I hope that we do. But it’s very hard to stay calm and open-minded when someone - friend, co-worker, loved one or potential voter - either doesn’t agree with your most closely held beliefs, or simply doesn’t care.

Here are some strategies to make the next two months productive, and not destructive. Let’s not wait – let’s start now.

10 Practical Tips for Not Losing Your Shit When Faced with Republicans, the Undecided and/or Apathetic.

First of all, let us agree that losing your shit is a bad thing. Letting anger and fear drive you makes it nearly impossible to focus on any task clearly and completely. Moreover, you will probably undermine any efforts you are making, because you will seem like a crazy person. Also, freaking out on someone who disagrees with you will cause you a lot of unnecessary emotional distress – which does you (and your cause) no good at all in the long or the short term.
Second, let’s agree that the best way to convince someone that your point of view is at least reasonable, if not correct, is to consistently BE reasonable -- not angry, weepy, shrill, desperate, or anything other than intelligent, balanced, open minded, articulate and trustworthy. Let us strive to cultivate and maintain these qualities.

If you encounter someone who has the potential to make you hysterical:

1. Breathe. Take long, deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling out of your mouth without making any weird faces or obvious breathing noises. (If they notice you are trying to control yourself, you’ve already lost your advantage here). Use a mirror – determine the smallest amount your mouth needs to be open in order for you to exhale out of it. You don’t want to look like a slack-jawed mouth breather. Practice until you can easily switch to this kind of breathing without anyone noticing. Keep your face relaxed, and breathe deeply into your belly, not your chest.

2. Be a compassionate warrior. (Read some Pema Chodron for more on this). Send the person you are talking to as much love as you can muster when you are talking to them. Say it in your mind "I wish you love, happiness and joy." If this proves difficult, imagine that they are a beloved elderly friend or relative. Pick someone who you would never want to upset or yell at, someone who you respect, and someone who you will be your very best self around.

3. Listen. Be present. Try not to think about what you are going to say in response before someone has finished speaking – can’t you always tell when someone is doing that? Yeah, they can too. Don't assume you know the end of the sentence or phrase -- it might surprise you. Listen respectfully. Don't ever cut someone off. Don't nod and verbalize too much ("uh-huh" "sure" "I understand.") When you're responding like this, you're not listening anymore. Put all of your attention on the listening. Look at their faces, look at their body language. Avoid knee-jerk reactions or give-away facial expressions by breathing deeply and steadily throughout. Keep your forehead, mouth and hands relaxed and make sure your jaw isn’t clenched.

4. Use "I" statements. Breathe first, then talk about your experience. "The reason that I like Barack Obama is…" or "I’m frustrated because… “ "I'm worried that…" However, as you do this, it's very important not to seem like you are dismissing or glossing over what someone has just said. Be respectful – assume that the person you’re talking to is as intelligent as you. Accept that they think whatever they think for a really good reason, not because they are stupid or ignorant or just haven’t heard your brilliant opinion yet.

5. Try not to use "you" statements – especially things like “But don't you think…" or "Can't you see…" or "Don't you realize…" Nobody likes being told what they think, or should think. Ever. Instead, offer up your own experience. "I started to get interested in Obama because…" or "I’m happy that my parents, neither of whom had much confidence in Obama even a few months ago, are really impressed with his judgment and economic plans, and are now going to vote for him."

6. Use facts, not feelings, to make arguments. So, have a lot of facts at your disposal. Read a lot of different news sources – liberal and conservative – so no one can accuse you of being biased or uninformed. Have information about policy and issues at your disposal, as well as what the latest smears are – on both sides - so you can easily and gracefully dismiss them as simply incorrect.

7. See what you can agree on. Isn’t it great that there’s an African-American on one ticket, and a woman on the other? Either way, there’s going to be some one who's not a white guy in the executive branch for the first time ever! Isn’t it great that both parties see that Washington is broken? If they both are trying so hard to prove that they’re the better reformer, it’ll definitely have to get fixed, whoever is elected! Sure, it’s a little Pollyanna, but it’s amazing what a little bridge can lead to.

8. Don't be an asshole. Don't attack people’s beliefs. Don’t set out to prove anyone wrong. Don’t ask questions that you already know the answers to, in order to trick or trap people. That’s not going to get them on your side, it’s just going to make them mad or hurt their pride. No one is interested in listening to a person who is aggressive or argumentative or clearly has an agenda. People can smell that kind of desperation. So let them come to you. Play hard to get. Be cool, man – you know, like Obama. Offer your own perspective as clearly and as persuasively, and as personally as you can. You're never going to argue someone into changing their mind, but you can seem to be a person who is balanced, respectful, intelligent and thoughtful who has come to this particular conclusion. Usually, if you give people space, they'll see your point of view, and if you have composure and confidence, they might actually admire you. Which might not make them change their mind in this moment, but might give them that much more respect for you, and what you stand for. Over time, this might result in their changing their mind, or might just make the world a better, more respectful place. Either way is good.

9. Know when to let it go. If someone is fighting just to fight, or doesn't want to listen to you, or is really stubborn and hateful, back off. Don't get mad. Breathe, silently wish them love and happiness (and mean it), smile (for real), imagine that they are your beloved elderly relative, and say something like "I guess we have really different perspectives on these things." Let it go. Use that energy to register new voters.

10. Finally, when all else fails, follow this advice that my grandfather gave my father. “Whenever I don’t know what to do, I think, ‘Now, what would a smart person do?’”